I just don't know

I just don't know what I am supposed to feel. I am not sure if I am supposed to be upset, scared, nervous or sad. I am really trying to be strong. We are leaving tomorrow night for Va Beach to get ready for dad's surgery Friday.

Lemmie go back. Up until about 7 or 8 years ago my dad was not as smart as he is now. At least in my eyes. The older I get the smarter he has become. When I was a teenager he was just someone trying to control me and tell me what to do and I wasn't going to listen to him even if I had an inkling that he was right. After moving back to Virginia my dad and I have formed this relationship that I cherish so much. I talk to him every Monday morning at 730ish. I look forward to it. I like knowing that I can tell him about my week and we can tell me about his. I can call him for advice be it personal or financial he is always there. He was there when we were buying our first house. He was there when we bought our car by ourselves last summer. He is THE strongest person in my life. I mean I have tons of strong people in my life but my dad has always been a rock to me. My mind keeps wandering to what if....What if he doesn't make it? What if I don't have those monday morning phone calls? What if I have kids and they never get to meet him? What if I was such a pain the ass as a teenager he will never be able to forgive me?

I dunno maybe I'm just having a pity me party. I have to be strong for my dad because he needs to feed off of our strength. I need to make sure he knows that no matter what we are always here for him as support. It is going to be so hard to see him sick and hooked to machines but I will put on a brave face.

I have an amazing circle of friends who are so supportive and I know when I need strength I can feed off of them. And I hope they know how much it means to me.

So surgery friday at 10:15, an eight hour surgery. I will be at the hospital the entire time. I will have laptop, phone, books and playing cards....eight hours of waiting but I can handle it there will be family and friends waiting and we will all support each other.

Off for now. Will update later.

It just isn't fair

I am just devestated. I can't really show my anger and my devestation because I'm the oldest daughter and supposed to be strong. I don't know when I can break down.

Okay back story. My dad wasn't feeling well for the longest time and finally went to the doctor long story short turns out he has cancer in his stomach and something resembling cancer in his spleen. This is all happening so fast and is all surreal. He is the strongest person I know and it is so unfair that it is happening to him. So they diagnose him not even a full two weeks ago and now they are doing surgery this friday. So fast. But the wrost part is they are planning on taking his entire stomach and are concerned the cancer may have spread to his liver.

What I don't understand is why him? He is so strong and so smart and so just my dad. He's so young. He doesn't want me talking about it online but I don't know who I can talk to about it. I don't know who I can cry to. I know eric will listen and let me cry to him but I feel like I need a hysterical crying moment.

I don't know what to do....